04 March 2018

Boy, how fast time flies and my son is already 3 months old. From a person who doesn't really like kids and babies, I could say I've changed so much, probably my motherly instincts are growing stronger by day. It's hard to be apart from my son and when I am, I'm constantly thinking of him. The journey has not been easy, there was a lot of struggle along the way, even now I'm still trying to get the hang of it since I'm unable to be with him every day. The hardest part is always being away from him. Why am I apart? Well, I'm still a full-time worker.

The reason why I have to be apart from his is that I chose to do so instead of keeping him close and risking his safety sending him to a nursery. You can say that I'm paranoid, well honestly I am because just how many cases have you heard of in a year of a baby died at a nursery? A lot right? That's just the ones reported on the news, what about the ones that aren't? I also tried to look for babysitters but there were a lot of reasons why I never took any of them. Despite being so expensive, there were also other factors that I wished to not have seen. I bet you mothers may understand what I mean. Letting go of your baby to someone's hand who doesn't even take proper care of her or the surroundings around her will surely make you think twice or more to do so. Since I had to leave my baby only 2 months old, I chose just to let my mum take care of him as she kept on offering to do so but I don't want my mother to feel more burdened as she is already. She needs her leisure and rest time which also made me think twice to let my mother take care of him. So finally I concluded, let's give it a try. Let my mother take care of him until he finally can eat (in 6 months) and then I'll look for a babysitter again in hopes I'll be more stable financially at that time.

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So that's what I did, but still, not all plans will go how it wants to. Turns out, the mother and baby bonding time during my confinement really bonded both of us. The first night I left him was a nightmare for both of us. He kept crying and refused to feed, while I was emotional and was in a pretty bad mood. I felt like emptiness which is so hard to describe. My breast was engorged even though I pumped and when I woke up the next morning, my sheets were wet with milk and it was only 5am. My baby usually will have about 2 sessions of feeding every night but since he wasn't there I didn't wake up + I was exhausted and heartbroken at the same time. I called my mum as soon as I settled down for a pumping session before Subuh and my mum said that she didn't sleep all night because of my son. He kept crying and crying and even when I video called with him, he looks at me and cries, my heart just could take it and I start to cry as well.

If you're wondering why I'm apart and don't just stay with my mum, well I work at KL, while my husband works all over the place. My mum lives near Banting so for me to commute every day is costly and tiring. I don't even drive anymore, so I completely depend on public transport to go to work. My husband's schedule is super hectic so he drops me off where he can so we are unable to commute back at forth from Banting but I'll always try my best to do so even though my husband is not around. The problem is that he sometimes refuses to feed and will keep on crying since he doesn't seem to find comfort, especially during night times. He'll only sleep well if I sleep together with him. 

So it has been a month since I've worked already but I did have to take a few emergency leaves as my son keeps on having episodes which only I can calm him down. He still has it now and I'm trying my best to come back home every day now at least he's with me at night. I'm exhausted, commuting takes 2 hours back and forth, once home I'll struggle to get cleaned feed him and feed myself. Then to put him to sleep, I'll get some sleep and still wake up 2 times in the night to feed him again. Early morning I'll wake up and get ready for work again. It's really exhausting which sometimes effects my mood, I wish to get some rest but I'm trying my best to not complain as I have chosen to do it this way. I thank a lot to my Mother and my sister who has been helping out a lot. Also to my dad who sometimes fetches me from the LRT because my husband can't. I'll have lost it if my family hasn't been supporting and helping out as well.

3 months as a mother but I still have a lot to learn. My baby is growing up fast and he already has his own routine already. Weekends I get to be with him all day seeing a cheerful baby instead of a crying one through a video call. 

That's all peeps, my baby wants milk now.

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